Mar 19…Thursday with the first 2 hours of work spent in a meeting receiving my 360 feedback. 360 feedback comes from a survey sent out to people that report to you, your peers, your boss, etc where they answer questions about how you are as a leader, coworker, person in general. 2 weeks and 6 pages of bar charts later you find out what everyone thinks about you. I was pleased with the results and a little surprised it didn’t reveal some sort of result or comment that I could over-analyze all day. I proceeded to go to an early birthday lunch with friends and hop meeting to meeting until the days end. I talked a coworkers ear off before leaving and kept asking myself “am I complaining or telling a story?” I lifted with my trainer and drove home and went to bed. Nothing too exciting other than my theme of no energy this week lasted all day today.
Mar 20…Friday. “The Official Meltdown of March 2015.” PMS. I didn’t want to blog about this topic. I know not only my girlfriends read this blog but male coworkers do too. But, if I’m sticking to my goal of being real and sharing the real highs and lows….here’s a day when it’s not rainbows and butterflies, self reflection, new theories, or a positive spin on a traffic jam. I spent most of the day frustrated and losing perspective on work related things. I was home and in pajamas by 5pm and when a coworker emailed me back close to 6pm saying “so you are human after all” in response to me saying I was frustrated in a note earlier that afternoon – I bust into tears while I sat pitifully on the couch watching “August: Osage County” and wiping the remains of my dinner (2 reese peanut butter eggs) off my face. It’s similar to when you hear your mother’s voice. You can have all this pent up emotion, which I blame 100% on PMS, and you put on this strong face for days and the minute you hear your mom’s voice on the phone you just start crying because it’s like she’s the one person who you know is saying “I hear you. I see you. I get it” without actually having to say that. PMS is the devil. It comes in many forms and different forms for different women. For me, about once every 3 or 4 months it comes in that ‘overwhelming-hormonal-I’ll-kill-you-if-you-breath-you’re-dumb-I’m-dumb-everyone-is-dumb-ugh-why-I’m-starving-I’m-fat-I-want-to-cry-my-life-is-miserable-can’t-make-a-decision’ type of way. I get annoyed with others and then annoyed with myself and then back to annoyed with others. There’s anger and crying and sulking and lost perspective. There’s friends…and enemies…but mostly frenemies. There’s craving food that you’d drive to Florida to get because murdering someone is your only other option. There’s obsession over things that 3 days from now will be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard of but you can’t get yourself there yet. I know I’m not alone. Several years ago I witnessed my mom have a complete meltdown over a BLT she had been craving for days. When she finally got the BLT the bread wasn’t toasted – so naturally she refused to eat it, said choice words that are only acceptable for mature audiences, and cried and left the room. It’s not her fault….it was PMS. 4 days later we laughed harder than we’d ever laughed. I once went through Starbucks after a 4 hour traffic jam and ordered a drink and a cookie – when they said they were out of the cookies I yelled “fine, I don’t want anything” and drove off. My mom once rationalized how those women on the “Women Behind Bars” shows could commit such heinous crimes by saying they probably just had PMS. Even the essential oil that was created specifically for women to use during PMS is called “Dragon Time.” Appropriate. I’d like to think most people don’t know when I’m having one of these moments other than maybe Chris or my mom, and I do like to pride myself in just saying that’s what it is and that’s how I feel, but some months are just way harder to get a grip and perspective than others. No amount of essential oil or popping Pamprin pills was going to get me in check this day.
Mar 21…It was a Meals on Wheels day for us. If you read my previous blog posts, you know we deliver Meals on Wheels 1x/month. I don’t think either one of us were initially in the mood to deliver today. I personally was still trying to shake the out of body PMS experience from yesterday. There were 2 new places on our route this time. The first one was in a not-so-hot area but the person wasn’t home so we were only there for a couple minutes and we were out. The second new place was really in a not-so-hot area (to put it lightly) to the point that I was actually scared. There was a guy acting a little suspicious in the area and let’s just say I drove us off that street before I even programmed the next house in my map. My lingering PMS made me so mad about it (my theory is anger immediately follows fear for most people) that I kept thinking ‘I’m over it, I don’t even want to do this anymore.’ The only saving grace was when Chris’ favorite guy on the route called him a “good boy” when he delivered the meal, and when my favorite lady answered the door with a smile even though it took 6 phone calls and no less than 5 door bell rings and 8 knocks on the door to get her to hear us over her TV which was playing soap operas on the highest volume. My mom and stepdad came into town later and took us to dinner for an early birthday celebration. We spent the drive from the restaurant back to our house talking about how they hadn’t seen me eat that much in awhile and me saying phrases like “I have PMS. The crust wasn’t even that thick. It’s MY birthday give me a break.” I tried not to complain today and did a decent job. I think there were some whiny moments but I kept trying to get it in check.
Mar 22…Best yoga class this month and Angela was there to share in it. We talked in the parking lot for awhile after and had that post-PMS laughing going on where you realize that you’re just as psycho as your friends and now it’s all funny and life is back in perspective again. I came home and put a bow on my complaints from Friday on some work things by recapping everything all over again to Chris (which I’m sure he loved) and then realized it was just a total violation of my goal. #fail