Aug 19 – 21: I normally don’t consolidate my days on a blog post in attempts to give you the real day-by-day details of the goal of the month, but, since this month has been building up to a video of me singing – let’s just hit the high points of these 3 days briefly: I practiced “In Christ Alone” every one of these days, I wondered what I would wear when we recorded on Saturday knowing darn well I’d default to a plain black shirt, I text with Angela on the logistics of where we’d record, and I probably said my “I may get a record deal out of this” joke one too many times when people asked about my singing progress. There’s no turning back now. There’s a song, a date, a time, and a couple of friends who are giving up their Saturday night to play the cello and keyboard/sing with me so I can face my biggest fear of singing in front of others.
Aug 22: I want to give all my commentary leading up to this moment, but let’s just jump to the footage, shall we…..
Black left is Angela playing keyboard and singing, back right is her husband Joe playing cello, and the guitar is pre-recorded.
So, I did it. I faced my biggest fear. I’ve never sang in front of anyone in my whole life (excluding the Sound of Music audition I did in 6th grade when my mom heard me sing a little – reference past posts for dramatic play-by-play on that one). I’ve never been in choir. I’ve never sang in front of a friend or my husband. I’m not claiming to be an amazing singer or the next American Idol (which I think I’m too old for now anyway ::sigh::), but I stood in a best friend’s house and sang in front of her and her husband and recorded it and posted it for anyone to hear/see. I mean, there’s a 75% chance I’m hiding under a blanket right now until September, but….I did what I said I was going to do despite wanting to back out and hide my face so many times. And I figured since I’m singing about Jesus, you really can’t knock me or you won’t get angel wings in Heaven. Or a jewel in your crown, says my Grandma Linda.
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t use a lot of words to describe how this all felt….
22 days into August I’m standing in a living room with a music stand singing in front of people and recording it. I don’t even know how I got here? 22 days ago you couldn’t have paid me money to do that. Plus, I had just won a jackpot in Vegas so I could have afforded to pay you money not to ask me to do it. I am SO glad I did this goal this month. Honestly, I was angry sometime around February/March just knowing I had announced I would do this goal. As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I have learned a lot about how I react to fear….even if it’s in the form of playing poker for the first time in Vegas or singing in front of a best friend. Fear can make you want to hide, it can waste a lot of time on “I’m not good enough” and “what if they think I’m dumb?” and it can sometimes make you angry because you’re masking that you really want to break down and cry and throw a tantrum like a child.
I had to remind myself 80 times before recording and posting this that no one really cares if I’m a good singer or not, but hopefully everyone is seeing me face a fear and inspired on some level to do the same in their lives. That’s really what this blog is all about. I don’t think Angela and I ever set out to falsely represent what real life looks like when trying new things – so you’ve seen my 4:45am collection of selfies back in January, you’ve seen her eat a turkey sandwich when she was eating vegan, you’ve seen me try new recipes that turn into green oatmeal, you’ve seen her go through a month of audition preparation, and now you’re seeing me be squirmy and fidgety and embarrassed and proud to sing and post it on YouTube. I feel happy and want to hide all at the same time.
I’ll be sharing the 10 things I’ve learned from this experience next week.
If you’re interested in booking me for a gig or a recording contract, please contact my agent.
On a more personal note, I am dedicating this song and experience to my great aunt Jenny who passed away last year. She used to sing praise songs in the living room while my Great Grandma played on the keyboard and I always thought her voice was amazing. I shared this with Joe and Angela while we were recording and kept her in mind while I was singing.